So I guess if I am going to continue trying to separate my external and internal worlds I should probably continue writing more regularly. I feel like I have come to a lot more of a conclusion regarding the shrink. Before I was really angry because she was leaving. I know that she doesn't have a choice and that she isn't trying to hurt me or anything but I couldn't help but to feel angry about it. I was upset because she was the first person that knew me in person and managed to reach me. I was upset that I trusted her. I guess a part of me was upset that I had hope that maybe something could become of this and that was kinda shattered. I have been angry at both myself and her because I cared so much. I don't think it is possible for this to end well for me so I have just been defiant and upset. Today I realized that even if I can't make this end well in my mind I can make it end well for her. If I care about her I should be focused on how to make her feel better about leaving verses being angry about it. I have said that I don't care about myself and that I care about others more but I have realized that I have been really self-centered lately. I guess part of that is the whole thing that the therapist is generally the one that is supposed to be helping and she has told me many times before to not worry about her but she is a human being. I am being selfish because I have been making things worse purely because I was upset. Being angry and defiant doesn't help anyone. I let myself get completely overwhelmed by my emotions and wasn't thinking at all rationally. So I have decided that the most rational thing to do is to use the next month or so to make ending better for her. I don't want her to worry. I already decided that I am trying to separate my internal world from my external world. I think with having someone be able to externally reach me that kinda screwed up my ability to regulate myself. I let myself get consumed by all of the bad things taht I felt and let it effect too much of my life. I have made myself outwardly better. Honestly in a way I feel better because I am not constantly obsessing about all of the bad things in my life. I realize that I am not really better and its not like I all of a sudden am cured but it is easier to function. I cannot let the bad things about me consume my life. I konw in a way it sounds like this is such a better way to live my life but I realize that it is not. It is helpful in that I can function better and people aren't as aware of my problems but they don't go away. Basically everything just seems to be fine when it is not. It gives me more time of thigns seeming to be fine but since no one can know about all of the bad things there is no way for anyone to help me. That is why I started this blog years ago in the first place. I needed a place to express all of the things that I couldn't tell anyone else. I needed to be able to get out all of the things that would scare people and change the way they treat me and in most cases cause them to just put me in the hospital. So I guess after my experience with trying to allow someone to help me I have returned to this. I have decided that there is no point in being angry though. Its not like the shrink lady wanted to hurt me. She did her best to try to help. I guess in the end it doesn't seem like it worked out very well but she tried. In a way it is similar to my mother. She made my life living hell during high school and I hated her for it but now that I am able to look back at it I realize that she was just doing her best. She didn't know how to help me and how to handle me so she thought that dragging me to as many people as possible was a way to fix me. She didn't know what else to do. I guess having that experience makes me more aware that a lot of the people that cause me pain generally don't do it on purpose. It took me years and being away from home for me to realize and accept the actions of my mom. I can look at it now and I realize that she can't really help me in much of my life but instead I can help her. I can try to be there for her and taht is what I do. I can't really fix the problems with Ron or give her a job etc but I can listen and do my best to give advice. Our relationship works ok now because I have realized where I fit best. I have learned to not be self-centered and focusing on the things that she was doing wrong or the things taht she oculd't do. In the same way I am realizing that it is kinda similar with the shrink. For the past couple months I have felt really angry that she couldn't give me what I wanted. She doesn't know how to talk on email and it isn't effective. She can't be there everytime I want someone to talk to and can't always give me the understanding or feedback that I need. I let myself get really angry because I wasn't getting what I wanted. Now I realize that there is no grounds for me to be angry. She isn't trying to hurt me and she is doign her best. I know I am worrying her that when we stop that I am just going to kill mytself and I have no right to do that. Honestly it is a possibility but me killing myself is always a possibility. It isn't something that she should have to worry about. I have been getting so angry that I can't make her stop caring. I don't want her to care that I die but I know I can't just make her stop caring. I know I can't make her not be upset so I need to not give her so many reasons to be upset. She desperately wants me to have a "smooth" transition. I don't think her idea of a good transition is possible for me but I can do my best to make it possible for her. I can't just easily move on to another therapist or do a DBT program. The only way I presently can handle her leaving is by retreating ot my internal world and realizing that having people externally be a part of it is probably a bad idea. I can make things better for her though. I can stop being defiant and stop fighting everything. I can stop my obsessing with being destructive and stop creating "toxic" environments. I can't really change the way my mind works but I can change the way I act and I can definatley change the way that I let her percieve the situation. Its basically what I have done before when I needed people to think that I am "better" so they would leave me alone. I know that I can't convince her taht I am just all of a sudden better because that isn't reasonable and I don't feel the need to. Basically she just needs to know that there is some sort of hope. She has hope and I just need to stop trying to destory it all of the time out of anger. Ironically I know that if I were to flat out tell her why I am completley changing my way of reacting she would not agree with it. I feel that is emotional though and not really rational. She would rather help me than me try to help her but I would rather help her than she help me. We both feel the same way in that but there isn't much she can do to help me anymore. I have let myself be angry because I wanted her to help me and I wanted her to make things better for me. That isn't possible though and if there is nothing that she can do to improve the situation then it falls on me to make it better. In a way it is betetr for me too because I am being less defiant and angry and stressed etc. I have found a meaning in finishing out the year with her. Instead of being stressed all of the time about how it is going to end I can spend the rest of my time trying to make the ending as best as possible. Now that I say that I realize that is basically what she has been trying to do the past couple weeks and I have just been resisting. I need to give up my frustration at this not working out for me internally and make things better for her. Another thing that I have been debating is whether or not to tell her how much I care. After this last session I fetl incredibly frustrated because I couldn't express to her how much she meant to me. I couldn't express to her how much it meant for her to be able to reach me and be a part of my world. I have told her that it really upsets me to think about hruting her but I tend to be kinda cold and unemotional so I don't think she understood how much it meant to me. It hurts me more right now to think of hurting her than anyone else. I don't think I could possibly convey that in a way she could understand and know she woudl disagree with it. I guess I might try to let her know how much she means but limit it. I think I will try to let her understand how much it means for her to reach me but omit the part about me not wanting anyone else to reach me. I am not going to tell her that I have chosen to internalize because in a way it is a step backwards from the work she has done. I don't know how much backwards it is but I want her to feel good about the progress. In a way it makes me sad because she did become a part of my world and I can no longer have that. I know that rationally this is the best thing to do but a part of me still wants her to be able to help me. I realize though that in less than 2 months she will never see me again though and I can never talk to her and that getting upset about it isn't going to help. I need to face reality and make decisions based on what would work out best for others but I guess that still doesn't take away the fact that it is sad. I guess losses are supposed to be sad and I should feel it as that and move on. I shouldn't let myself get caught up in life not working out the way that I want to because life doesn't work that way. I care about her and I need to make things that best possible for her so she can move on. I guess whatever happens to me happens and the most I can try to do is make it beter for others.

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